Insecurity, Don't we all have it?

I am a super insecure person. My look, my personality, the way I move. I feel like the whole world is looking at me all the time, but the fact is no one is actually looking. I love to coop up inside a lot, just so I don’t have to worry about what other people think about me. That whole process is just too much work. I don’t know, haha.

I realized couple of things, and I am so resistant to go back to China is only because of my parents, my dad, well, he is my dad, but the way that he lives his life doesn’t align with the value I hold for myself, and my mom, she always want to arrange things for me, and I actually hate that, while I am in the US, I can do whatever I want, but when I am home, I have to be cautious, my mom will complain so much about everything. Later on I found out that other people’s mom do the same thing, that’s why kids move out as soon as they have the capability to in the US I guess. Those things have their own solutions, I can just move out. Then live the life I want, you know. I do need to work on the second part, which is I need to know who I actually am, own it, the good and the bad, own it all. I am who I am, and be proud of it. There is always going to be someone who is better than me, and my obsession of being perfect is killing me. I like things to be perfect, if my pen missed its cap, I just throw that away, it will bug me like crazy which I don’t even know why. I need to ease up a little bit, when I encounter things I consider that’s not perfect, I feel like the whole world is going to end, but it is not, there is always another way out. Own the mistake is something I need to work on, just own it, when people praise you, own it, when people talk you down, own it. I always don’t know what to do when people tell me “Wow, you are awesome, you are great”. Then I just feel awkward, cause I don’t know what to do, what I should have done is just OWN it.

Everyone is insecure, everyone is, a lot of people just don’t show it, that doesn’t mean they don’t feel insure. Social media just makes life even worse, everyone is posting how great their life is, you see them going to places, see them hanging out with people, see their life to be so much more interesting than yours, but it is not. You don’t know what kind of life they are actually living, people go with the super-facial things, because they just presented a lot easier for people to interpret, you are also doing automatic comparison when you encounter people like that. Whenever comparison happens, you just feel like your life suck a little bit more. I made my insta private and I hand pick people I know to be my followers, cause I really don’t want other people know me, or peak into my life. To be honest though, it is mainly because of Lydia. I want to keep people like that out of my life all together, so I hand pick my friends now.

I got all of the above when I was watching DUFF tonight, I have watched that movie dozens of times before, but tonight there was a light bulb lit up in my head, a lot of things made sense all of a sudden. All of my unhappiness, my hate, my resistance, they are all because of my insecurities. Just like in the end of the movie, everyone is someone else’s DUFF, that’s just who we are, there will always be someone better than us, and if we constantly compare ourselves to others, you are never going to be happy. There is an old saying in Chinese, “山外有山，人外有人“, it means “There is always going to be mountain taller than the one you are on, and there is always going to be someone better than you”, I took this saying in a depressed way, I took it as we are never going to be good enough, but this saying is actually trying to tell us to stay humble, cause comparison can get you no-where, and only stay humble can lead you to have the eager to learn more and improve yourself even more.

As a 28 year-old, I just realize this. Hope it is not too late. Live by this, stay true to myself.