It doesn’t take a lot to hold on. It takes a lot of strength to let go. – J.C. Watts

I had a trigger point today, I hated it, I saw a guy in Costco, who awfully looks like Grayson, I think that’s him, I almost lost control. It is pretty bad. I don’t know how to handle feelings like that, it is pretty annoying. The first thing came into my mind was, “oh Grayson is till alive, so nothing bad happened to you? No natural disaster killed you yet?” It is not like I like him so much that I still like him, he is the one has association to Lydia, I want everyone who has a relation to Lydia dead, you know, die from fire, drowning, or some bad guy drug her, rape her, then kill her. Something bad should happen to her, and if she is dead or suffer from something, her family will suffer too. This whole thing is eating me up, totally eating me up.

I texted my friend, and told her about this. She said time will heal everything. She was in a similar situation, she let go, she said that if you holding onto this, it will only make you suffer, the person you hate, they are still living a great life. Just hating on people, doesn’t change anything in their life. My therapist said that Karma will come around, but it may not happen right now, it will happen in 10 or 20 years; however, I would love to see them suffer NOW. I don’t know if they would suffer though. Deep breath. I will be OK.

I need to learn how to let this go.

I have to learn how to let go, nothing is easy, but letting go does take a lot of strength. Oddly enough, there is this episode on Criminal Minds, Season 10, EP 2, “Burn”. Greg Taylor, is a serial killer, even though it is just acting, but it delivered a really good concept which is killer gets scared when they are about to get killed; they are human too. Dying alone really is the worst. This also reminds of the Ted Bundy tape, he was scared in the end as well, death scares everyone. If speaking of no discrimination, death is the ONE without any discrimination, they don’t care what race you are, they don’t care where you are from, they also don’t care how much money you ear, or your appearances. Death truly is the one treating everyone the same.

For me, how to let it go? How? I think I need to start working on that now, and to let it go, once let go, I can get some relief.

Everyone, if you are in the same situation as I am, you can find a way to let it go as well, and also please let me know how you are letting it go, you know. Remember, you still have loved ones in your life, they are your corner stone, because they are there, they are the light in your darkness. If you don’t see that light, look around, maybe that light has always been there. People who commit crime, depressed, they are the people who couldn’t find the light, let them know you are there, you don’t need to say anything more or do anything more, just let them know you are there.

Edit: Just realized that I didn’t have a point here. The point I want to get is even though I want Lydia and everyone she knows die accidentally, like suffer, I also can see how cruel that is, and how bad this thought is. This is bad karma all the way around. I am still learning to process all this. How to face it, process it. :)

Peace! Love!