Name is interesting, isn’t it? In English, each name comes from Greek tale, or Bible or the changing form of it. Name is interesting, some people say Name is just a label, it is just a name. However, I don’t agree, name is more than just a label, there is a reason we don’t call people NO.123456789, you know, there is a reason why inmates in the prison is only labeled with numbers. Names are also identities. I don’t understand why in China, some teachers, some instructors just think that you can call people by makeup names, and I also don’t understand that why they can just toy with our names like it is nothing, at the same time, we have to respect them. I want to call them out on that.
There is a reason why I used Shirley as my English name for the longest time. In 2010, when I got to the US, I see this as a start over, totally changed my personality, changed who I am in general. I am a chicken, coward while I was in China, I think I still am. I hated how I was treated by the people in general in China, ever since I was a kid, I was bullied by teachers in my elementary school, you know, actually bullied, all together with my classmates. My teachers thought I totally suck at math, I was slow and stupid, they said that I shouldn’t focus on English so much, cause no one speaks it; my focus should be on Chinese and Math, because those are the ones can actually get me to a good school, and good school means hanging out with outstanding people; that also means you will be successful. The definition of success is really narrow in China, and by in China, I mean my dad.
I act differently when I am speaking Chinese, and I am different when I am speaking English. When I speak English, I am more expressive, honestly, just because when I was a kid, and when I was around my parents, if I speak English, I can talk crap and they wouldn’t understand it. I could go on and on about all the things I hate about when I was a kid, and that helped me “let it all out”. Of course, compare to most Americans, I am still not as expressive. That part, I am still struggling, sometimes I am in a meeting with my coworkers, and they go on and on about their life, and I am sitting here be like, why the hell are you telling me this; later on I realized that, that’s a way of them showing that they trust you. I still couldn’t do that, I don’t like to be open with people, cause that makes me vulnerable, and I don’t like to be vulnerable, maybe because I got hurt too many times, I am fragile. I will get there. English is my escape, also when I am speaking English, I am somehow more confident. Weird, ha! I know. When I am speaking Chinese, it’s like I got sucked back to my past, and being this little girl who kept getting bullied, and only stand in the corner who takes it all in. I hate that person, but in Chinese culture, we were taught that we should bear it, bear everything, talk back is bad. I was this “nice” and “good-behaving” kid, how I hate that word “good-behaving”. Oh, screw that. I hate it. I don’t like to be this freaking uptight person, but I am, because I am afraid that if I said or did something not right, I will be judged, well, you will always be judged in China. I hate this, I hate all of it. Even when I was home, I couldn’t be myself, it is weird, my mom would say something about my clothing, my dad sometimes would call me fat, this has changed over time now; but still, if I want to stay in for majority of the week, my parents would ask why I am always inside, they would think I am so pathetic.
When I am “Shirley”, I am fun, and I am true to myself, at least I am trying to, I am game, “Shirley” loves camping, “Shirley” loves trying new things, “Shirley” likes fun stuff etc. “Shirley” likes all the exciting stuff. Xuan, Xuan is one that keep everything in line, trying the best to get good grades, never take any risks, always makes the decision based on calculations, and make the decision to have the most outcomes. I know how this sounds like, I sound like I have two identities, but I don’t have dissociative identity disorder. I remember everything. Whatever happened to me made me who I am, and I have been running away from that, I have been more and more comfortable with “Shirley”, I like Shirley, Shirley is fun. Only my close friends know my Chinese name, and they call me Xuan. I slowly start to forget who Xuan was. 11 years of being Shirley, it was fun, but I am trying so hard to separate between who I really am and who I really want to be, I really thought I can handle it, but I cannot. It is making me so tired.
Couple weeks ago, one of my managers asked me what name I would like to be called. I told him, Xuan. People was having so much trouble pronouncing my name, I was so afraid that they will make up some funny name for me, or make fun of me, so I always just immediately tell people that my name is “Shirley”. However, the second when my coworkers started to call me by “Xuan”, I almost bursted out into tears. Xuan is a beautiful name, for the people who don’t know, Xuan, writes as 萱, it comes from ancient Chinese poem. It is super pretty. 萱 is a type of grass/plant, it means it can help you to forget about all of the worries, like worry free. This name came from my grandma, my grandma always worry about everything, and she gave me that name because she wants me to bring joy, happiness to our family. My grandma loves me and she told me that I am helping her out in that way, I loved taking my grandma on different trips. I am super close to my grandparents, I adore them, I always enjoy my time spent with them. Recently, by owning my real name, I am really owning myself, not only that I am owning it, but also I am trying my best to merging who I really am and who I want to be.
Escaping my past leads me nowhere. I should own who I am, and not letting how I was treated to get in the way of who I am now, and afraid of how other people will treat me now. I guess I saw the bad side of the society early on, and that affected me how I see everything.
There are times in our lives when we have to realize our past is precisely what it is, and we cannot change it. But we can change the story we tell ourselves about it, and by doing that, we can change the future.
Eleanor Brown
I am 29 now, hopefully it is not too late to realize the above.
Know me by my name, Xuan. I am proud of my name, I am proud of where I come from. My name is my identity, the true me.
I am still finding the real me, I am getting there, slowly. It is amazing that how I am realizing this after 11 years. It is never too late.
In the end, I really want to say how much I appreciate Marcus asking me which name I prefer, and I was brave enough to tell the truth. This helped me to take the first step to find the real me. This is what life all about, you live, and try your best to find out who you really are, then you pass on.
Hopefully, this article can inspire others to find your true self as well. Self-realization is a process where you discover about yourself everyday.