There are few things haunts us, the dark at night can cover a lot of things, at the same time, it can also discover a lot of beauty, the beauty of the night light from a city, the terror under those lights. You don’t know what’s happening there.

Couple years ago, I met a guy at a train station in Denver, the train was not there yet, we had about 30 minutes to kill. He told me a story, an unsolved case, there was a box with a hand, they don’t know whose hand that was, then couple days later, they found an ear, then couple days later they found a finger. No one knows whose body parts they belong to, no one knows more than the body parts.

Who is this person, there are a lot of cold cases like this, they are not forgotten, they simply just didn’t have enough evidence to even lead to anything. Think about it, let’s say the person who did the killing above, he/she only killed one person, and never did it again, then in that case, it would be really hard to solve it. Their family never got the closures they should got, they will always be wondering about how their loved ones were killed, or what the last breathing moments for their family is like. How terrified they must felt, you know. Where do people go when they are dead? They turned into spirit? If so, can they see us? Does the things in Lovely Bones really happens? I have been afraid of death, I think that’s a good thing, it kept me alert and it helped me to be alive! It also made me realize that I need to plan my time better and do more meaningful things. It is funny how I figure out those things through TV shows, you know. My parents never treated me like an adult, when I was a kid, they never really talked to me about their marriage or our family, a lot of things in that matter. I am always curious, but they told me nothing. The thing is they don’t know when I was in my 5th grade, my classmates were already starting to make jokes about sex, and how people have sex. They never explained death to me, I don’t know how to deal with that, even though logically, I know what it means to be dead, I also understand the biology of it, it just happens, it happens to everyone; but what I still don’t know is how to process that. You know grief. I read about all the stages, but I don’t know how still. It gives me anxieties when I think about in the future, my grandparents are going to pass away, then my parents.

This is the time I miss my 12 year old cousin, she should be going to be 13 now. I met her when she was 2, we have been somewhat close ever since. Well, I should say, we are close whenever I visit them. We got really close in 2019, when I was interning at Intuitive Surgical, and I shared her room with her for 2.5 months. We talked until super late at night, I asked her about a lot of things, a lot of things I was facing. At that time, I had troubles with guys, and she actually gave me couple really good tips. Funny how people who are younger can actually teach us more. She learned a lot from reading the Webtoons. She kept talking about these, and I was surprised how much we are alike, I didn’t read those webtoons, but a lot of those webtoons were made into TV shows in Korea, and I watched those. She is a smart kid. She taught me pretty much on how to identify who should be your friend; how to say “no” to people without being rude; say “no” is OK; she even called me out that I create a secondary insta to just stalk those people I hate. LOL. She knows it all. At that time, well, I sometimes still do that now, I hated this guy, Chris, and this female person, Lydia, or Chinese name Dan Li. Lydia pretty much wanted to get onto any guy I had an interest, and to this day, I still don’t understand why; some of my friends said that she is a psycho, well, she is, some of my friends said that she might be into me, and wanted to jeopardize my relationship with guys. Well, either way, a psycho. Chris, well, he is from Jersey, I heard that the guys from there are all pretty trashy, maybe they are right. Lydia and Chris did a B right after class, to this day, I found Pitt campus pretty disgusting because of that. Chris said that he thought about it for like 1 sec, but he didn’t go through with it, well, that’s definitely not true, cause between we finish the class and they pretty much rushed out of the classroom, to the time when Lydia showed up pin the library with Grayson, this is another guy under her spell, there were 1.5 hours. I could be wrong, but this is just what I believe that happened, or something else happened; his body language told it all, you know, his legs, how nervous he was, how freaking out he was, the way he bit his fingernails, you can tell all of it just by reading the body language. Grayson was my friend but took Lydia’s side, I kept my distance from him as well, I believe that your friends do tell what kind of person you are; which means, if you are friends with a piece of shit, then you probably are also piece of shit, you know. Later on, I found out he is just one of those people who doesn’t like to upset people so he was being friends with everyone. Being trapped in a messy drama like that just got me all messed up. From this, you can tell, I am still pretty messed up. What my cousin was trying to tell me when I told her about all this, she said that I need to learn not to let other to get to me like that. That’s something I am not really good at, people can get into my head pretty easy. Hell, anyone can get into my head, sometimes words, sometimes a look, I am slowly learning how to ignore those now, just because I have a lot to manage, you know. I wonder, if I ask my cousin how she sees death, what kind of witty things she will come up with. I love to talk to kids or teenagers, they are way more mature than adults think. Kids are awesome!

The whole reason I started this was because I was watching cold cases tonight, and it brought me couple memories when I was traveling alone. I do like traveling alone a lot, however, now I look back, my past experiences gave me chills. It is dangerous for sure, there were couple times that I could be abducted, I was just lucky that I got out of the situation. One time, I was sitting at the beach alone and just enjoying sunshine, and this guy came up to me asking if I have sun-blocks, and I said no, then he offered to give me some.. then he led me to his car, the second we got there, he asked if I would like to make out with him in the car, I still remember that I was scared, and kinda froze there, I didn’t know what to do, I was so afraid that he would shovel me into his car, luckily there was a family walking by, and they were loud, I told him “no”, and I have to go now, then I just walked away. I was scared that he would follow me or anything like that, so I walked around for about 1 hour before I get to my car just so I made sure that he was not following me. This is one of those situations that I could be abducted. To all the females out there, please be safe, don’t get into people’s car randomly, don’t talk to strangers. I know in the movie and stuff like that make you think that you may meet someone romantic, but most likely you will meet a serial killer, you know.

In the end, I hope all of the cold cases can be resolved. To all the victims, rest your souls please, your loved ones still remember you, and you are still living in their heart.

Goodnight, whole world!